The flowers danced across the couch pillow in straight lines. The red upholstery blended into the pattern and reminded me of a salsa pit in the middle of Mexico. Maybe that was the fever talking. Arms sprawled over my head in anguish and eyes half closed from delirium. I had never been to a salsa pit. Closest thing I experienced to it was Indian food in a sweltering hotel room in London.
And the flowers were dancing again. I closed my eyes fully to block out the samba taking place before me. Everyone hopes to get sick when there is something important to miss in life. The test you didn't have time to prepare for. The event you never actually wanted to go to.
It all turns to regrets in the end.
You regret not taking the test. It would have been easier to get it out of the way and have the stress behind you rather than procrastinate.
You regret not going to the event. Friends only come once and sometimes its best to take life as it is.
You regret getting sick, too. And wanting to get sick as well.
Flowers, keep dancing, it's going to be a long night.
I like the 2nd one better, but it's still good.
ReplyDeleteStill different, too.
I'm not so much a fan of the describing everyday things in striking detail, or making use of personification in the same situation; I feel it wastes time and words. However, given your character's feverish mindset at this point, it actually works to draw the reader in, rather than alienate them with wordiness.
I like it.
Agree with Steph -- I know you love you some imagery, but don't go crazy.
ReplyDeleteAlso the other thing I noticed was inconsistency in tenses. "The flowers danced..." to "flowers, keep dancing..." I got a little confused. If you're doing that on purpose, you have to be really careful and clear with it. I don't have a problem with tense switching, but, again, you have to be careful with it.
I don't like this one either. I just had to write something for the day because it was late and I hadn't written for 20 minutes >.<
ReplyDelete